I live a blessed life - when I remember to live it in the moment.
So much has been happening around me I feel like my life has swirled into a blur.
And school hasn't even started yet!
I've been thinking lately about how to enjoy life when it's an unrelenting and ceaseless cycle. My control claws lunge out for something safe, secure...stable. Nothing is ever there though. Sometimes my claws will puncture something sturdy and a minute later it concaves from the constant shaking of my earthquake ridden life. And other times, through my blind controlling eyes, I puncture a person, a loved one... and that's when I reel. Reel back and see I'm spinning out of control and into the only control there is - the safety of Jesus.
Why can't I just stay here, how do I always wriggle myself out of this moment?
Slowly, I'm learning that to live in the knowledge that I abide under the shadow of the Almighty (Psalm 91) I have to live in the moment, in a constant surrender of anxiety due to uncertainty.
In college, life was always a blur...places to go, classes to attend, not to mention studying to actually learn, people to see, love, talk to, meet, encourage, pray with....and also my relationship with God. Between the tests, new people, beautiful friends, leadership positions, and sleep (pssh), I never knew how to live in the moment and rest. I remember graduating only a short while ago and turning to my roommate and saying, "Remember when we had that list of things we always wanted to do while living in LA!?" We got so busy living for school and the role we thought we owned as students that we forgot to live in the moment...
Now, I have a chance to really live, breathe, and learn from life and others instead of sprint through it.
So when my college roommate and best friend Victoria Mae came to visit me before heading out to Micronesia and then to who-knows-where, I found myself reeling for more time, more time to really live in the moment with her, because for the next two years I don't know when I'll see her again!!
It actually made me frustrated. There have been a crazy series of events which have caused such an uneasiness in my stay in Redding, my decision to do the Ministry School, how to spend my time, how to spend money, and my life! It's caused such an uproar in my Spirit - I feel anxious to reel, to stop, to listen, to re-do, to bandage those I have scathed in my wrath, to put back together the things I have clenched and deformed while trying to control my life.
Can I just stop, rewind, and try this thing again?
If only.
Through this time of great faith I have to believe God will supply my entire tuition, that the "better job" is still right around the corner, and that I am meant for such a time as this - meant for ministry school no matter what my circumstances look like. It's humbling, it's hard, it's ugly...but it's worth it - because Jesus is worth it.
He deserve my trust, He deserves my praise in every moment - and through the waiting I am brought back to live in the moment, only.
Even after seeing my best friend leave to serve the Lord with everything she is, I decided to rest and take time with my mom & family. I refuse to believe that I must begin to live a life of clenched fists, a life of control - just to make sure I have enough.
Home has been splendid. Sitting in church, I was reminded of all the miracles I've seen in this quaint church I grew up in. I felt the Father's love for the dutiful, relentless ones who never left this church through all it's imperfections. I saw the love and dedication through the Father's eyes because I took time to see it.
How much better would all my situations be if I actually took time to see them the way God does?
I'd probably spend less time being anxious and more time crying because my heart is overflowing with thanksgiving...in the moment.
How do I expand these moment's into a lifestyle? I'm still learning - trial & error.
Even in the midst of massive uncertainty in my life, there is SO much to look forward too!
The Destiny House where I live in Redding is preparing for the 5 beautiful and amazing ladies to arrive who will fill our house with life, love, and presence! BSSM is only 3 weeks away and my heart elates as the time draws nearer. My mom gets to visit Redding as well, and get rocked by all that Jesus has for her! My boyfriend Jonny is now established in Monterey, interning as an outreach pastor, relationally working with people which is his greatest delight and calling! My best friend Victoria arrived in Micronesia for a 2 month missionary training school before being sent off wherever the Holy Spirit leads her...and all my friends still at APU are returning as RA's, students, seniors...a community.
Yes, I'm alright. My heart is full. My dream is to love on and help others by being an MFT and I have the greatest privilege to learn, to experience, people right where they're at now.
I am in no lack.
There is always enough.
There is always time when you stop and rest in His presence...in the moment.