So much has happened during that time: I said "see you later" for about 2 years to my best friend from college Victoria Mae as she's called to an overseas missionary life, I finally started BSSM (the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry), got new housemates, went on a fabulous retreat to Richardson Springs, Chico - and now I am here.
But how did I get here? And so quickly!
First lets recap. On September 9th, I walked into the building where I attend school to officially register for the coming year. I left disheartened, discouraged, and exhausted. I was told to return the following day because I didn't have enough money to attend school anymore. I was devastated. Devastated. Had I not just left my home, a secure job location, and a community I had spent the last four years pouring into...everything stabile to me?! And all I get in return for that sacrifice is to be told I no longer have enough money?! Why is it always money!?
I ran outside and found myself slumped up against the wall of a huge fountain. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to feel, I was just so exhausted from fighting the seemingly never-ending battle that financial burdens carry. God, didn't you tell me you would provide? Didn't you say "it's time to soar!?" How can I soar in this situation when all I came here for is no longer available to me..."
Through my tears I choked out these questions...and then I saw it. A hawk in the sky. This hawk wasn't flying to a destination. It was just soaring against the wind, almost at a stand still. I laughed it off, "Oh okay God, how am I suppose to soar when everything I gave up and everything I've worked for isn't enough in this moment?" Now I look back and can say, nothing I ever do will be enough - without Him.
In my frustration I turned the opposite direction, not wanting to accept the freedom before me. Then I see it again. Another hawk in the sky, soaring. As you can imagine, I got the hint. But I still didn't know how, or why, or when, or who...etc. Then the Lord said, "Well, you can't do it alone, you need others." I truly feel on that day I took a step out of the battle field, and was now looking down on the battle like Moses. Literally, a minute later one of my amazing housemates asked me how much I had left to raise and before I could even blink she had posted it on facebook to get the attention of others. It was a surreal moment where now I knew I was like Moses, and praised God for the "Aaron's & Hur's" to hold my arms up - to keep my spirit afloat.
This journey of living an inspirational life is not possible without the help of others. You hear that so many times in church sermons or just in encouraging conversations but I believe true community is surrounding yourself with people who lay down what their doing to come help you, serve you - do things for you that you can never repay them for. Thus you serve them and there you have it: a cycle of laid-down-lovers.
A miracle happened that night. It was also a powerful night as a house where we welcomed the new girls in, and just had a blast with Holy Spirit. The miracle was in the form of about $900 coming through in just 12 hours. I cant even begin to describe the overwhelming gratitude that filled my heart.
The biggest lesson I learned from that situation was this: it's hard to accept help and love in any form because you cannot repay that person fully. That's humbling, that's uncomfortable, that's salvation by the power of the blood of Jesus.
From other people partnering with me, my dreams, and the vision of Heaven on Earth I learned another aspect of salvation: safety.
There is safety in trusting God.
That's FAITH. James 2:14 basically says faith without works is dead. Works can be signs and wonders, yes - but I'm learning that when you risk you're putting into motion that which you believe in your heart. So to paraphrase Bill Johnson, you become what you worship, you become what your heart meditates on day and night, you reflect what you surround yourself with.
That being said, when dedicationg and determination empower you through the joy of The Lord, you will do what is in your heart. The passions you hold aren't meant to stay in your heart but to be done. Put to work.
So instead of acting out of fear, worried it won't all come together, I mediate on His promises to me. Even when I cannot "feel" the presence of the Holy Spirit, or "see" God in it, I decide to believe. I decide to respond with thanksgiving, for that which I haven't seen yet. I serve a good God.
It's risky, but worth it. When you risk losing everything: stability, you gain everything: safety.
Welcome to the upside-down Kingdom.
Literally, if you can believe God's promises, believe in His faithfulness, then you are risking favor on earth (in the sight of man), for the truth that you already have eternal favor in Heaven. Faith.
Faith is spelt R I S K.
I risked scrutiny, judgement, and condemnation for my decision to still attend BSSM even though I still don't have a means to pay for it, and put my trust in the safety of a Good Father.
An example of this has been reoccurring in my heart recently.
People have always described me as loving, kind, peaceful, and gentle.
It wasn't until about two weeks ago I realized I didn't believe them.
I didn't believe them because I saw myself carnally - in the flesh. I kept comparing myself to who I thought I needed to be, not who God already created me to be. Only seeing yourself before the redemptive work of the cross is partnering with a lie that what Jesus paid for wasn't good enough...
WOAH.
How could I?
So when I hear that I am peaceful, kind, and loving. My first reaction is, I'm judgmental, stressed, and impatient. But faith doesn't just look like believing for "physical" things like money, or supernatural healings...
It's a lifestyle that speaks about where you place your trust - in man, or the safety of God...
When you partner with Heaven's agenda, you can't believe that you are destined for example "stress". You have to believe that you are a peacemaker, a light, even if you can't feel it and it doesn't make sense. Because obedience through the struggle validates you reaping in success, the harvest.
Don't get me wrong I'm not saying disrespect your emotions; but at the same time, remember who you are and whose you are. What Jesus did was MORE than enough.
I could go on and on about this...which is probably why I want to help counsel people the rest of my life. Instead, Holy Spirit is the best teacher, counselor, and comforter I know and will help you live your own inspirational life.
I Corinthians 16:13